What is Narcissistic Abuse?
- Website Author
- Jun 20, 2024
- 4 min read
Updated: Jul 18, 2024
In this blog post we wanted to define:
What is Narcissistic Abuse
Narcissistic abuse is a term used to describe someone who displays signs and traits of a Narcissist.
However, it's often difficult, if not impossible to know if someone is a narcissist upon first meeting them (and in often cases even long after getting to know them). This is because Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is very rarely diagnosed, as it’s not common for individuals who present with such traits to seek out a diagnosis. Therefore, it’s so important that we become more aware of traits, tactics and better developing our understanding of what narcissistic abuse might present as.
To help better understand what a diagnosis of NPD looks like, here is the current criteria used to diagnose a Narcissist from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM-5*):
A pervasive pattern which includes lack of empathy, a need for admiration and grandiosity starting from early adulthood and is evident in a variety of contexts as displayed by at least 5 of the following traits:
1. A high sense of self-importance.
2. Preoccupied with unlimited success, love, power, brilliance, or beauty.
3. Believes that they are special and should only associate with people as such.
4. Requires excessive admiration.
5. Has a sense of entitlement.
6. Takes advantage of others for their own needs.
7. Lacks empathy – struggles or refuses to understand other’s feelings or needs.
8. Is often envious of others or believes others are envious of them.
9. Shows arrogant behaviours and attitudes.
I’ve created a list of red flags and warning signs below, it’s also on the resources page which is free to download – please print this off for yourself or for others or even save it to your phone. It’s important to recognise any of these tactics and traits that yourself or others might be suffering from.
PLEASE remember - most of us won’t have even realised we had been living with or putting up with these red flags or traits from our narcissistic abuser. The list below is something to help raise our understanding and awareness and at no point should we have known or realised that these things were potentially happening.
🚩RED FLAGS:
o They make you question your abilities as a parent or as a person.
o You feel like you’re always walking on eggshells around them.
o Constantly undermining you.
o Manipulation.
o Compulsive lying.
o Starting arguments at special occasions.
o Constantly making you feel like you’re going crazy.
o Often accusing you of cheating.
o Love bombing.
o Silent treatment.
o Often struggles with saying thank you or sorry.
o Gaslighting.
o Putting you down, then pretending it never happened.
o Becoming quite secretive, hiding their messages, and coming home later than they used to.
o Belittling you, degrading you, calling you lazy or selfish, even when you’ve done everything you can for them.
o Calling you too sensitive, emotional, or needy.
o Saying you can’t take a joke when they say something hurtful to you.
o Often suddenly leaving events and blaming you.
o Being emotionally abusive and putting you down, then when you confront them, they will justify it by saying, “At least I don’t hit you or physically hurt you.”
o Using your mental health or physical health issues against you, making you question your own capabilities and abilities.
o Acting like a different person outside the house, making you wonder if you’re the issue.
Please remember this list is just SOME of the signs to look out for, but the more aware we become, the more we can help and support others (and ourselves!).
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Sub Types of Narcissism:
It's also important to recognise there are two sub types: overt and covert narcissists, where it's often quite common for a narcissist to present with traits from both subtypes.
Overt narcissism – are often individuals commonly portrayed in the media, such as films and TV shows. They exude confidence, they are extremely good looking, they can charm anyone, they can often be quite arrogant and pretentious. However, indoors they are often a very different person, this is why it can be so difficult to accept who they really are, because in public they seem the life and soul of the party and everyone loves them.
Covert Narcissism - they are more difficult to recognise and identify. They can often present as quite anxious, insecure, not wanting the spotlight on them, and can be quite withdrawn. They are the type of person you might end up making excuses for such as, “They are just anxious so like to leave early” or “They just prefer to stay in, so we don’t really go out anymore.”
The above two types are so important to be aware of. I’ve found with clients in my practice, that when I’ve suggested a partner, family member or friend, might potentially be presenting with narcissistic traits, one of the most common responses is, “They can’t be a narcissist because….they are quite anxious or “they don’t like going out much” or “they are quite insecure.”
THE MOST IMPORTANT thing to be aware of is how they make you feel. If you are starting to question your own self-worth, your own value, wondering why things aren’t the same anymore, why you can’t reason with them, why you are made to feel you’re the problem, then PLEASE listen to your gut. THE FIRST STEP is recognising that there is an issue. In future posts we will be writing about:
Stonewalling.
Love Bombing.
Gaslighting.
Manipulation tactics.
“Hoovering” tactics.
How to leave/end a narcissistic relationship/friendship.
How to recover.
As always, we welcome any feedback, please feel free to leave any comments, or drop us an email. Any future blog post or resource requests let us know.
You can follow us on Instagram to stay up to date with upcoming blog posts and new resources.
A
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*KEY TERMS
DSM 5 – A Manual which is used worldwide to diagnose mental health disorders.
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